Classy

The Three Differences Between Snoop Doggy and Snoopy Dog

classycomedy — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 01:54:21 +0000

1. (Obviously) Orthographic: while their names are similar, they are importantly different
2. Snoopy has never done porn (seriously, I looked – I couldn’t find anything, which was surprising to me)
3. Snoopy is a much better musician, but a much worse showman

Though the distinctions are few, they are important. Please keep this in mind from here forward.

I made a sketch for Atom.com and this is that sketch

classycomedy — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 15:48:11 +0000

http://www.atom.com/funny_videos/keeping_johnsons/

Keeping Up With The Johnsons

Atom.com: Funny Videos | Short Films | Funny Animations

24 season 7

classycomedy — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 07:12:05 +0000

A more accurate title would have been “Women are idiots and torturing people is ok”

There is a female president and her entire cabinet talks back to her all the time. She is constantly bullied by the people under her. What?

People get tortured like every hour. Basically, the story-arc of the season seems to be driven by more and more of our protagonists experiencing situations where they “have to” torture people, and then deciding they are cool with that. Seriously? Was this paid for by the Bush administration?

Finally, the numbers on this show make no sense. Two planes crash and they say ten thousand people died and probably more casualties on the ground. Who wrote that line? Who approved it? “Hey, Larry, about how many people does a plane hold?” “Shut up! I am masturbating!” “ok, I’ll just make up a number because there is no possible way I could ever find out this trivial information”

How can a 50-something Secretary of Defense, heavily sedatedmind you, overpower a young secret service agent? Screw you 24!

well, alright then.

classycomedy — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 03:04:20 +0000

Watching the Golden Globes tonight, they just happened to play a clip where Tom Hanks as Cpt Miller mentions getting home to his wife in Saving Private Ryan.
So, he could have told his wife, through Ryan, goodbye, and he didn’t.
Asshole.

following up on capt. miller…

classycomedy — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 18:01:38 +0000

(See below for my initial discussion with the void on the topic of Saving Private Ryan as a problem play.)
The argument could be made, of course, that Miller broadly represents the sacrifice in effort and blood of an elder generation of Americans in WW2, and Ryan, relatively safe, protected by that sacrifice, represents the younger generation which should ‘earn’ that sacrifice by being awesome at America.
In that scenario, Miller’s ‘Earn this’ becomes a call to modern era Americans to not forget the sacrifices that brave servicemen made during World War 2, which, on the one hand is a valuable reminder. It assumes that the brains of younger Americans are made of sand, and that the current generation is incapable of remembering basic concepts, but it’s sometimes good to say something really simple, lest we lose sight of it. It’s not like public schools are well funded, after all.
So, maybe the film’s intent is that. In which case, I still think Miller’s a dbag. It’s still a guilt trip. It’s still cruelly reductive, and it assumes an enormous amount about Ryan, a man Miller barely knows. He could go out on an up note. Miller goes out being a jerk.
Screw that guy.

captain john h. miller is a douche.

classycomedy — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 00:45:43 +0000

The other day, I was thinking about movies I’d seen, which is what I do when I want to go to a movie but don’t want to have the horribly unpleasant experience of going to a movie.
Anyway, I was thinking about it, and I realized something about Saving Private Ryan that i’m going to share with you. It will ruin the film if you haven’t seen it, so proceed in whatever fashion that information implies to you.
If you do decide to read this, I encourage you to hold a drink close to your chest, affect a close lipped smile, nod, and excuse yourself at the first opportunity to check out the snacks since that tends to be what happens when I bring this sort of thing up at parties.
In a nutshell, the idea is this: Tom Hanks’s character, Cpt. John Miller, is a fucking asshole.
I base this somewhat on his behavior throughout the film (for example, when Vin Diesel gets shot, Tom Hanks blames Vin for not following his order. I think that a Captain worth shit (and, keep in mind, I know what I’m talking about, having never been anywhere near the military) would accept responsibility for his subordinate. After all, why didn’t Vin fall in line? Weak leadership?). But mostly I base this on his behavior right after he gets shot. It’s the end of the movie just before that really cheeseball morphing thing happens to Matt Damon, turning him into a guy that IMDB tells me is named Harrison Young. You guys remember, right?
So, put yourself in Miller’s boots for a second:
-You’ve tramped around france a bit, looking for this guy, rather than fighting the war, which is bad.
-Then you fell backward into making things hard for the Nazis on a pretty epic level, which is good.
-On the other hand, you’ve seen most of your men blown to hell, which, even if you refuse to accept responsibility for their well being, is bad.
-But you met Ted Danson, and that’s always good.
-Finally, you went and got shot, and you could have avoided it if you’d gone all Gitmo on that German prisoner you had. You probably feel like a real asshole about it, which is bad.
So, on the whole, not the most positive experience a human being might have, and you might be a little peeved. But, you know you’re dying, and you have only a little bit of time to tell Matt Damon something, anything, before embracing eternity.
As pissed as I’d be, I’d like to think that in Miller’s position, I would say something nice for him to relay to my loved ones. However, Tom Hanks seems like a loner. He mentions only that he’s a school teacher, and a quick image search reveals he’s not wearing a wedding ring. If that’s the case, I’d like to think I’d say something nice to Matt Damon because the kid probably feels pretty bad. He’s watched Miller and most of Miller’s men get shot or blown up in an effort to save him, which is only being made because Ryan’s brothers have all been killed. Ryan has lost most of his family. And I’m not sure you could even say the people who came to save him were successful. Ryan lives, but in all of the getting blown up and shot that Miller’s men do, none of them actually got in the way of a bullet meant for Ryan, far as i could tell. It’s hard to say what happens to him if they don’t show.
Anyway, the upshot is, Ryan didn’t ask for this. He didn’t ask for Miller to ride in, get most of the men with him killed, and finally get shot in the back. Maybe if Miller doesn’t have someone at home he wants to send some comfort to, he could at least take the opportunity to say, ‘Don’t worry kid. Not your fault.’
But no. Miller looks up at Ryan, and decides that the best way to shuffle out of the world is to say this:
‘Earn this.’
Christ, what an asshole.
That’s an epic guilt trip. A mind fuck that there is no recovery from. Earn the deaths of all these people? When you didn’t have any hand in it? The person who uses his last moments on earth to do that to someone, especially someone who has shown Ryan’s bravery, is a douche.
It’s a good thing Miller gets shot. Fucker got most of his men killed, basically failed to complete every objective that he was given, and left this world committing an act that emotionally crippled a boy whose brothers had all been killed. I’m pretty sure he was trying to lose us the war.
It only took me eleven years to come up with that.

my first post of 2009

classycomedy — Sat, 03 Jan 2009 18:12:11 +0000

i could choose anything, but i decided on this:

happy 2009.

this will be our year.

the internet is the best

classycomedy — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 17:12:50 +0000

a squirrel on twitter

What Will Happen?

classycomedy — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 16:38:19 +0000

What will happen in the not-so-distant future when google realizes that most of the old videos on youtube are worthless garbage that no one will ever watch again? Will they delete those videos? What if Abe Lincoln had made one of those vlogs? What will happen oh internet? What will happen?

do this.

classycomedy — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 20:28:46 +0000

watch the cw 11’s ten o’clock news.

watch the ‘help me howard’ segments.

study them.

Soylent Green is People!

classycomedy — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 14:36:00 +0000

… people who can’t act. Srsly, it’s like Cynthia Falconcrest cast this movie with the specific intention that nobody act nearly as well as C-Hess (which is an admittedly impressive task). I think that instead of going to school at Tisch, aspiring actors should just watch this movie on loop while I scream at the “DON’T DO THAT!”

Holy Expectations Batman!

classycomedy — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 21:52:33 +0000

I am seeing the new Batman movie tonight/tomorrow mowrning at 4am because I demand to see it on IMAX. The sad thing is that my expectations are so high that it has nowhere to go but down. Just like Barack Obama: the Other Dark Knight.

A Promotional Film From Classy

classycomedy — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 18:58:34 +0000

Hey! We have a new video! Come watch it! Come watch more awesome sketch from us live: Saturdays at 11pm at the PIT

more about "A Promotional Film From Classy", posted with vodpod

1000 awesome links.

classycomedy — Tue, 27 May 2008 19:06:04 +0000

960
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Things I Learned in Europe

classycomedy — Thu, 15 May 2008 08:10:48 +0000

Petersburg is scary. Nobody remembers how bad the “communist” totalitarian regime was; I actually saw people carrying portraits of Stalin in their May parade. More than one person! STALIN! He probably killed a significant number of their family members a few decades ago. Scary stuff given that the government is currently run my ex-kgb agents. My mom heard the old anthems and started to cry. remember that this is a woman who never bought into communism and always hated that system and everyone in it. I rushed her out of there before she started denouncing me as a capitalist swine.
In case you’re wondering, here is a typical moment between me and my mom:
My Mom: do you want to split a soup to start?
Me: sure.
My Mom: No. I ‘m getting mushroom soup and you don’t like mushrooms
Me: so, I guess not?

a thought I had today:
no matter how great a man you are, pigeons will still shit on your statue (in fact, that is the most any of us can hope for)
2) when people say “throw your hands in the air and wave ‘em like you just don’t care” I think what they’re asking for should probably be accompanied by an “uchch” sound and rolling the eyes. After all when I don’t care and throw my hands in the air, I am usually pretty fed up,not elated.

Take that comedy blog!

1000 awesome links.

classycomedy — Wed, 14 May 2008 16:17:26 +0000

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1000 awesome links.

classycomedy — Wed, 07 May 2008 20:39:55 +0000

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1000 awesome links.

classycomedy — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 16:03:38 +0000

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Nobody Really Cares About the Environment

classycomedy — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 06:51:36 +0000

Seriously, environmentalists are taking the wrong tack by asking us to care about the Earth: nobody cares about the Earth per se because the Earth will be just fine long after we are gone. There is a good reason for us to control our emissions and use of resources and that is caring for people. Our actions can make the climate less hospitable for other humans and that sucks, but nobody really cares about the Earth.

The Internet Is Prejudiced Against Dogs

classycomedy — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 17:41:04 +0000

Seriously, cats get all the attention: picures, videos, blogs… they’re all about cats. I am going to petition the internet for more wolves.

In a totally unrelated thought, the secret service should recruit hockey goalies. Think about it.